distortions, connections, and what works in between

Everyone seems to be so excited about my graduation. And almost everyday, I have been answering questions related to my future career plans and the kind of occupation I want. It’s exhausting. It’s like human nature that I cannot defy. People ask the same question in the same tone and excitement, and yet I do not have sufficient amount of guts to reveal what I really want. So I tell them the same damn thing: get into law school or earn an M.A. degree, either which comes first. That’s what’s expected of me, anyway.

 If you still think graduating as cum laude gives you an edge, scrap the thought because it’s very outdated. When you’re in the real world, or at least on your way to it, you’ll realize that it doesn’t really matter. Of course, I have known that since high school. The professors often told us that the path of one’s career highly depends on the skills, performance, and flexibility. But I got to feel the weight of the idea only lately. Time transforms, really. Way back my early college years I was often given compliments for ‘maintaining’ my academic skills. At present, things have turned horrible. You know how it is to be threatened or made fun of because you are graduating cum laude? During last week’s pre-employment seminar held at the university, speakers told stories of their cum laude friends who got their ideal jobs ten years after their graduation, at a time when almost everyone else were at the peak of their respective careers. The moment it was told, my block mates were giving me symbolic glances. One spoke “Hala ka Rang, ten years ka pa daw magkakatrabaho”, and matched that statement with a joking smile. Even in class, I can feel similar jokes, albeit in a minimal level. Now, graduating cum laude seems more to be an injury than an advantage for me. It wasn’t even part of the plan when I entered college, for crying out loud. I only think of it as a reward for being hooked on to one’s course and the challenges that come along with its major subjects. And all deities (to include multicultural beliefs) know how much I struggled to grasp a field that’s just recently emerging in the Philippines. Is that a crime? What I really want (which is what my parents do not really wish for) is to be part of the gurong pahinungod program. Even way back kindergarten, teaching was really one of my favorite ideas. But that was intensified a couple of years ago. There’s something about educating children in the peripheral or marginalized areas. Never mind that rebel-cafgu encounters will become part of the lifestyle. At least, before I die, I get to share part of my life with the people in the community. Moreover, I’ll learn the essence of life from the experience itself. Maybe I’ll find my real worth there. Who knows, it could be beyond making other people’s assignments, nursing broken hearts, or listening to rants of various degrees. How ideal of me, you might say. There’s a big tendency for me not to fulfill that dream, though. My parents are doing everything so as not to lose their daughter to the mountains.   And because I’m quite prepared for my defeat, I already have plan B. This one, by the way, has another downside. Although I could be earning from it, it will constantly remind me of my professors’ hard work in molding us to become the pioneer batch of anthropology undergraduates in Mindanao. Like how Typecast sang it, so this is how the guilt feels, it can break you down to pieces. Or maybe I’ll have plan C. Fall in love. Not necessarily one of my dreams. But like what I’ve been told, I shouldn’t plan it out. It happens.  Recent events must have been stressing me out. I’m starting to have second thoughts on just about everything. It’s like I woke up to find this character in me who plans everything. I miss my spontaneous self. Along with that, I miss the person who likes me for the real me. He might not know it, or maybe he never will, but it feels so comfortable being with him. Our connection proves that life floats in a sea of ironies.  It is the irony itself which makes it float real nice.